Aftermath and Shame

The aftermath of the FB arts colloquy has been quite brutal in the processing department. (For all you artists out there who did not take it in, you really did miss out!) I guess colloquies are not about providing the much desired answers, but rather, serve as a means of keeping our mental and spiritual faculties on alert. I came away feeling that I have more questions than ever before. There were many good things proposed. Many thought-provoking questions asked. I left challenged and stirred to continue wrestling with the questions.

More specifically, I was challenged by the thought that too often we live out of shame about who we are. Every human being faces this (if you haven't, feel free to challenge me) in some area or another. It may be shame about who we are or what we have done. But for this time, I want to think about the shame that can surround the Anabaptist.

I remember vividly the feeling of walking through town and being afraid to meet the curious eyes of people walking by me. I perceived that they viewed me as strange, peculiar, and possibly even a little stupid for buying into such a strange mentality. What was worse--I was thinking those same things about myself. I couldn't imagine what I could possibly have that I could offer to that person. I felt peculiar. And I was ashamed of it.

The obvious fact of the matter was, I didn't have to look the way I did. There was nothing to keep me from moving on and leaving my church and community. It was a choice I was making. Even after I felt sure of the "call" to remain a Mennonite, I still balked at the fact that I felt so different. Sometimes I became angry because I felt like an odd-ball. Then a very wise person said to me, "You are choosing to do this." No one, not even God, is forcing you to be a Mennonite! Suddenly I had to take responsibility for my own choices, and I realized that since I am called here, I need to be happy being here! This is not something I have to do. I could just as easily be a Christian in a different church. God could use me in other places. This is a gift God has given me. I was raised in a unique situation for a special purpose, even though I do not always understand the purpose! It is also a gift I can give back to Him. He has asked so little of me. All I need to do is follow Him. If that means me looking a little different, is it really the end of the world?

All good stuff! Then I decided to go to college. And a panic attack erupted! What were people going to think? Would these preppy little kids be okay with who I am? Am I okay with who I am?

Enter: another wise person. He said simply, "Don't be ashamed of who you are." Those words have carried with me in the last six months like no others. There is such profundity and truth in realizing that we are a part of who we are created to be, and believing that we have something to offer those around us. I hope that I continue to grow in this. There are still moments where I feel afraid of what people think. I have the same vanity issues as everyone else.

I wish for everyone that we could really come to know who it is that we are created to be. Don't misunderstand this to mean who we want to be. Too often we want to be some perfect person. In reality we are fallen human beings. We will NEVER be perfect. When we are who we have been created to be, we get to be alive in the middle of our falleness. We get to be part of the bigger picture. We get to help build the kingdom of God. Why spend time wanting to help build in some other person's shoes? Who has God made you to be? Does He have a calling on your life right now? Go for it! Embrace it! Know that out of it, you have something to offer the broader community.