Being a teacher, I am incredibly familiar with the February doldrums. I don't think I have ever before experienced the ones that come along in September though until now. I'm sure that there are myriads of factors that play into this "doldrum effect." These might include: traveling to Poland this summer, not enough down time over the summer to process life, returning to the States two days before school started.
Yes, yes. I was told I was insane. I didn't really need to be told that. I had figured it out already! (This post is not about my trip to Poland, although it was fantastic and I'm convinced God had me there for a reason!) However, I fought the usual uprisings of panic as I surveyed all that lay ahead of me. Apparently this was for some good reason!
It is over three weeks into the teaching school year and about the same into first semester of college. Last year, I was flying high right now. I couldn't believe the gift I had been given of going back to college. Music Theory was amazing! I was religiously practicing for my voice lessons. I was pulling A's and proud of it! In contrast, I feel the doldrums this year. But they are very special doldrums! :)
The last two days in particular have been two of the worst I have faced in quite a while! Yesterday, I dumped my lunch of Ramen noodles all over the library floor at SMS--before I had so much as taken ONE bite! (Fairy dust--the wonderful teacher's aide made me some more noodles so I didn't have to go without lunch, and the secretary helped me clean up my mess). Last evening I waited anxiously to head to college today. Today was the day I was supposed to get my FAFSA refund, which would enable me to pay some overdue bills, and in general to relax a little. However, I almost overslept this morning. I grabbed a quick breakfast as I ran out the door, and threw an apple in my bookbag for lunch. I left in good time, but still managed to hit worse-than-usual traffic and still arrived five minutes late for class.
After Theory III class (Fairy dust--I'm over halfway finished with Theory and Aurals.), I headed directly to get my refund check. I confidently announced to the lady at the Bursar's office that I was here to pick up my refund. My confidence turned into a nagging feeling in my stomach as she continued to study her computer screen instead of jumping up to get me my treasured check. She explained to me that since my credits are registered as 11.5 (part-time) I needed to go to the Financial Aid office and they needed to simply sign off before she could release the check. It was a simply solution, she assured me! I could come right back to her and she would hand me my check.
However, the Financial Aid office lady didn't find it so simple. (Fairy dust--this lady was amazing...a real god-send!) She kindly took me back to her office (she noticed I was about to melt into a puddle of tears on the spot), and explained that since my schedule had gotten messed up, and I now had only part-time credit level, my coveted grants were going to be cut. (Fairy dust--because I'm part-time, I get a parking permit for the good parking lot!) Of course, my student loans would gladly give me all I need, but the good stuff would be taken away! I did my best to pay attention through the thin veil of tears that clouded my vision. (Fairy dust--I felt this small reassurance that God was in control...very small, but present none-the-less.)
Not to worry, I will have all the Financial Aid I need, but I found myself frustrated with life and how little bad things can happen and just completely muck up your plans! I found myself telling God, "OK, I get it! I'm not big enough to take care of myself, even financially. I can't control everything. You've got to be the One in control!"
The biggest speck of Fairy Dust is that I also received a scholarship. It is a scholarship that is usually given to a music education major, but because those involved know of my investment in teaching outside of college, it was given to me. I am also runner-up for most improved rising sophmore vocalist (or something).
This whole "vent" is partly a way for me to relax right now. I'm wound so tightly that I'm a little afraid of snapping! (I also took my first Aurals Dictation Quiz of the semester...and I still hate that pressure!) Instead of working on homework, I chose to write all of this out. Why? I think to remind myself that God is good. In the middle of the doldrums, He sends little speckly fairy dust to remind me that He is present, and that He cares about me. And my Ramen noodles!
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