Hear Me, O God, Nor Hide Thy Face

Isaac Watts

Hear me, O God, nor hide thy face but answer, lest I die;

Hast thou not built a throne of grace to hear when sinners cry?

My days are wasted like the smoke dissolving in the air

My strength is dried, my heart is broke and sinking in despair.

My spirits flag like with'ring grass burnt with excessive heat;

In secret groans my minutes pass and I forget to eat.

But thou forever art the same, O my eternal God!

Ages to come shall know thy name and spread they works abroad.

Thou wilt arise and show thy face, nor will my Lord delay

Beyond th' appointed hour of grace, that long expected day.

He hears his saints, he knows their cry, and by mysterious ways

Redeems the pris'ners doomed to die and fills their tongues with praise.

This is one of the pieces that Oasis Chorale will be performing this summer. The arrangement is by Alice Parker which means it is pretty near sheer genius.  We will be singing it in rough, early-American style.  I think it will end up being a fun piece to perform and definitely a new sound for most audiences.  :)  However, what really struck me was the text of this piece.  I find that it is the cry of my heart.

The feeling of emptiness—we all know it. That hopeless, energy-less feeling of worthlessness. Recognizing the depths of our sin and feeling that there will never be enough grace to cover it all. We are hungry. We are broken beyond our own repair. This song is the desperate plea for mercy and grace in light of the our sin-ridden beings. It is seeing ourselves in light of who we are. Defiled. Distorted. Dysfunctional. Dirty. (There sure are a lot of “d” words to describe the broken us.) Proud. Broken. Depressed. Then it calls upon the Truth—who God is. It is the sinner, in desperation, begging God to be who he says he is. Asking him to show up and redeem the despicable piece of dirt that we are. It is believing that He can and will redeem us to the point that our hearts are completely transformed and our mouths are filled with praise and joy. Believing that he will take us from the worst to the best. This is what we long for. And we hope with all our beings in these moments of despair in what we know to be true. We hang on with every remaining ounce of strength there is because it is our ONLY hope. And when it happens, it is a work of the supernatural. We do not understand how redemption happens. We only know that we have been redeemed. We are no longer facing death. We are free.

When all is stripped away...

When all is stripped away, who am I?

One of my favorite hymns, “Just as I Am,” contains this verse:

“Just as I am, Thy love unknown has broken every barrier down.

Now to be Thine, Yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come. I come.”

We all have barriers that alienate us. They help us to keep our lives under tight lock and key—controlled just enough that we keep people fooled. The scary part is that, too often, we fool ourselves. We justify the barriers. Of course, there’s the blatant barrier of sin, separating us from the Father. But what of the more subtle barriers—securities… identity…personal bubbles?

I, for one, prefer my safe little world. (Strangely enough, this seems to worsen as I grow older.) I like things the way I like them. I don’t appreciate my moorings being shaken, much less ripped out from under me. When I control my world, I know where I’m headed. I know who I am. I feel confident knowing that things are going according to plan. HOWEVER, I’m living a delusion. My little controlled world takes place in a bubble—a bubble that is threatened to burst at any moment. It feels safe to me, because I’m not aware that it is a very thin lining that is the foundation on which I build my beliefs. The reality, is that at any moment something sharp about my person may very well puncture that bubble, and it will dissolve completely. The other part of reality is that God may choose to remove my safe little bubble. Neither of these options feels safe; both tend to induce panic and other such emotions. So rather than dealing with reality, I often tend to live my pretend life, inside my bubble where I manage to convince 99% of myself that no one can hurt me.

The problem with this is: God also has a difficult time getting to my heart through the bubble. Knowing His love can be virtually impossible, since I’m so consumed with protecting my bubble that I don’t see His love in the various forms it is given to me. I don’t recognize the good things He has given me as from Him. Instead, when something good comes along, I desperately attempt to grasp it to myself within my bubble. I hold on for dear life, afraid of how my life will change if I let it go. (And I’m completely unaware of how ridiculous this appears!)

But what if all these things are stripped away? Then what? Who am I without the bubble? Who am I without the gifts, the good things that I am afraid to release? What does it really look like to just “let it go,” knowing that in the freefall through the bottom of the bubble, God will be present. Will He be enough? Will I trust Him to be enough?

What I do know, is that “All is vanity.” My pride, my self-sufficiency will only last so long. I need Jesus. My music is nothing. My relationships are nothing. My reputation is nothing. Nothing without the transforming love of a Father who wants to be with me. Who says, “Come unto me, and I will give you rest…for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find REST unto your soul.”

Whoa!!! Help me...

...I'm on the rollercoaster called my life!

And this craziness, the ups and the downs, the frantic screaming--wondering if I'll really survive the next corkscrew--makes me wonder: What, exactly, is really worth it?

There are those few people I have observed who seem to be ranking quite close to Wonderwoman--at least what they managed to micromanage and achieve through that process seem to have happened through some superpower or another.

I, on the other hand, am rapidly coming to realize that, just as rollercoasters seem to be getting scarier every time I ride them, life seems to become just as scary. And while I may have fancied myself some sort of Menno-Wonderwoman, the reality is that I am a frail human being with definite limits. If I try to defy these limits, my screams seem to become less squeals of joy and mor the blood-curdling shrieks of terror.

In direct contrast to that disturbing mental image, I stood in a pre-Christmas Eve service. The lights wer dimmed as choir and congregation joined in singing "Silent night, holy night..." unaccompanied. It was as though a holy hush settled on my soul. Tears sprang unbidden to my eys. I realized that, in the depths of my soul, I crave quietness. And I crave the connection with my Father that I have been missing. I long for time to sit and be still, knowing He will meet me there.

I long for peace in the middle of the storm. I want to know that at the end of this crazy rollercoaster, I will jump up and down with elation, convinced to the very tip of my big toe that it has been worth it!

September blahs sprinkled with fairy dust

Being a teacher, I am incredibly familiar with the February doldrums. I don't think I have ever before experienced the ones that come along in September though until now. I'm sure that there are myriads of factors that play into this "doldrum effect." These might include: traveling to Poland this summer, not enough down time over the summer to process life, returning to the States two days before school started.

Yes, yes. I was told I was insane. I didn't really need to be told that. I had figured it out already! (This post is not about my trip to Poland, although it was fantastic and I'm convinced God had me there for a reason!) However, I fought the usual uprisings of panic as I surveyed all that lay ahead of me. Apparently this was for some good reason!

It is over three weeks into the teaching school year and about the same into first semester of college. Last year, I was flying high right now. I couldn't believe the gift I had been given of going back to college. Music Theory was amazing! I was religiously practicing for my voice lessons. I was pulling A's and proud of it! In contrast, I feel the doldrums this year. But they are very special doldrums! :)

The last two days in particular have been two of the worst I have faced in quite a while! Yesterday, I dumped my lunch of Ramen noodles all over the library floor at SMS--before I had so much as taken ONE bite! (Fairy dust--the wonderful teacher's aide made me some more noodles so I didn't have to go without lunch, and the secretary helped me clean up my mess). Last evening I waited anxiously to head to college today. Today was the day I was supposed to get my FAFSA refund, which would enable me to pay some overdue bills, and in general to relax a little. However, I almost overslept this morning. I grabbed a quick breakfast as I ran out the door, and threw an apple in my bookbag for lunch. I left in good time, but still managed to hit worse-than-usual traffic and still arrived five minutes late for class.

After Theory III class (Fairy dust--I'm over halfway finished with Theory and Aurals.), I headed directly to get my refund check. I confidently announced to the lady at the Bursar's office that I was here to pick up my refund. My confidence turned into a nagging feeling in my stomach as she continued to study her computer screen instead of jumping up to get me my treasured check. She explained to me that since my credits are registered as 11.5 (part-time) I needed to go to the Financial Aid office and they needed to simply sign off before she could release the check. It was a simply solution, she assured me! I could come right back to her and she would hand me my check.

However, the Financial Aid office lady didn't find it so simple. (Fairy dust--this lady was amazing...a real god-send!) She kindly took me back to her office (she noticed I was about to melt into a puddle of tears on the spot), and explained that since my schedule had gotten messed up, and I now had only part-time credit level, my coveted grants were going to be cut. (Fairy dust--because I'm part-time, I get a parking permit for the good parking lot!) Of course, my student loans would gladly give me all I need, but the good stuff would be taken away! I did my best to pay attention through the thin veil of tears that clouded my vision. (Fairy dust--I felt this small reassurance that God was in control...very small, but present none-the-less.)

Not to worry, I will have all the Financial Aid I need, but I found myself frustrated with life and how little bad things can happen and just completely muck up your plans! I found myself telling God, "OK, I get it! I'm not big enough to take care of myself, even financially. I can't control everything. You've got to be the One in control!"

The biggest speck of Fairy Dust is that I also received a scholarship. It is a scholarship that is usually given to a music education major, but because those involved know of my investment in teaching outside of college, it was given to me. I am also runner-up for most improved rising sophmore vocalist (or something).

This whole "vent" is partly a way for me to relax right now. I'm wound so tightly that I'm a little afraid of snapping! (I also took my first Aurals Dictation Quiz of the semester...and I still hate that pressure!) Instead of working on homework, I chose to write all of this out. Why? I think to remind myself that God is good. In the middle of the doldrums, He sends little speckly fairy dust to remind me that He is present, and that He cares about me. And my Ramen noodles!

more from Isaiah

I am very slowly working my way through the book of Isaiah. I love the promises that I find there. I don't love so much the opposing sides of the picture of God that are displayed. Yes, I admit I struggle to resolve the image of a God who is loving and compassionate vs. a God who destroys people and cities because they do not listen to Him. It is difficult to wrap my feeble few "grey cells" (to borrow from Agathe Christie) around the idea that He is able to be both. He is love. He is justice. They cannot be separated from Him. He simply IS both of them.

And yet, I find myself intrigued by the idea. God is the perfect Balance. Everything is combined in and through Him. As fallen human beings, we don't like balance. We want ANSWERS! We want CUT AND DRIED! We want to be able to KNOW that we are RIGHT, and that we are the ONLY ones who are right! We want to win the debate!

I get it that there are absolutes. There is right and wrong. However, within the side of right, we as Christians get all muddled up. We live like we are on a teeter-totter, frantically running from side to side in an attempt to balance it out all by ourselves. But each time we run to the other side, the result is a resounding thud as we hit the ground.

Allow me to use an illustration:

As a young Christian, I was convinced that the way to be a good Christian (is there such a thing?) was to read my Bible and pray every day. This was what I heard preached and taught. If you want to follow Christ, you must read your Bible. You must pray. So, I attempted to read my Bible. I knelt every morning by my bed to spend time in prayer, only to find myself falling asleep. (not because prayer was boring, but the lack of sleep) I questioned, "Does this mean I'm not a good Christian? No matter how hard I try, it's not working." No matter how much I read my Bible, I found myself having the same issues day in and day out.

Somewhere along the line I threw it away. Well, in my defense, I tried to read my Bible every now and then. I did spend time praying to Jesus as I walked through my day. But this whole idea of reading my Bible for a half hour in the wee hours of the morning began to seem ludicrous. How could that possibly save me, or even make me a good Christian? I decided that it is about my relationship with Jesus. It is about speaking to Him and listening to Him. It's about calling Him my best friend! It's not about what I am doing! It's about who I am being.

Slowly, but surely, I feel God calling me to a balance in this issue. Because I was angry that the one end of the teeter-totter simply thudded to the ground, I ran completely to the other end. It was a jolt then to realize that I thudded just as hard on the other end. I was reacting, and living in reaction to something rarely brings about the desired response. And so, I now am attempting to come to a place where I see the Truth in both sides. I am attempting to stand with one leg on either side, striving to keep the board in the air instead of crashing down. The tilting becomes not so great, and the frantic rushing does not happen quite so often.

This is only one example. I propose that the majority of our lives needs to be spent finding a balance...living in the so-called tension between two sides of an issue. Because we are not perfect, we are going to rush frantically at times. We are going to react only to face the jolting thud of our teeter-totter hitting the ground once again. But we need to allow ourselves to be called toward the middle and embracing Truth for what, and, more importantly, WHO It is. We need find our confidence not in our answers, but in a God who really does know all the answers.

One day, it will all make sense. Until then, "I press toward the mark..."

musings from Superchick

I don't know my exact sentiments about the group Superchick. Or about pop music in general. However, I was listening to the radio yesterday, and they played a twin spin of Superchick, and I was caused to meditate a little on their lyrics. I thought I would share them with you today. I can't guarantee theological correctness, but I think there is a good message behind each song. Here's the first:

So Beautiful

We are a thousand voices strong
We are each girl who sings this song
We are a beauty that is our own
And we are
And we are
So beautiful

We are light
We were born beautiful
We were meant to be more then these shadows of girls
They cut us down to size
Afraid we'll change the world?
But we'll fight for your right to be beautiful girls
If every girl could see her beauty,
We would be an army

We are a thousand voices strong
We are each girl who sings this song
We are a beauty that is our own
And we are
And we are
So beautiful

We have dreams we were born to fufill
We were meant to be more than just fairy tale girls
We are the colors so bright
Each beautiful girl
We are the stars in the night
And we are changing the world
When every girl can see her beauty we will be an army

Yes, I understand that this could be somewhat feministic, but I also think there are many lies that young women believe. One of the most common is the belief that we are not beautiful. We judge by the glamour that we see around us, and we feel we don't measure up. But there is a beauty...a much deeper beauty...

Here is the second:

We Live

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost a son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
So she could say she loved him one last time
And hold him tight
But with life we never know
When we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend?

We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love.

There's a man who waits for the tests
To see if the cancer has spread yet
And now he asks, "So why did I wait to live till it was time to die?"
If I could have the time back how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day is a gift somehow, someway?
To get our heads up out of the darkness
And spark this new mindset and start to live life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy is a reminder to take off the blinders
And wake up and live the life we're supposed to take up
Moving forward with all our heads up cuz life is worth living

We live we love
We forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Enjoy!

we are His hands and feet...

This morning I am amazed at the fact that I am a part of the body of Christ. I am awed that He chooses broken, helpless people to be His hands and feet. So often, He feels far away. Too often when that happens, it is because I am not connecting to the people around me. They are a large channel of how I experience Jesus.

In our church service this morning, we spent some time praying for one of my sisters in Christ. I was touched by the love that was evident in our group. At the same time, I grieved for the many times I (and many others) have not experienced that kind of love and support within a church family. I'm moved to tears when I realize that there truly is a body--when one member suffers they all suffer. At the same time, I'm moved to sorrow at how many times I have neglected to be part of that body and have not cared well for the people around me.

The tricky thing is that, in order for this to work, we have to be willing to be vulnerable to those around us. We have to risk trusting them with our hearts--with our emotions. We have to believe that if they are the hands and feet of Christ, they will only want the best for us. That when we fall, they will sit in the mud puddle for a while, but then will help to pick us up and move us onward. This is a two-way street. We can only be the hands and feet of Jesus, if we are willing to also receive love and support from the rest of the body.

We long for perfection within our churches. We hold back because we know we may (and probably will) get hurt. Yet we don't stop to realize what we are missing by not embracing what we have been given; we miss out on who Christ is and what He is really about. The truth is that it is safer to be cynical; to not trust because we have been burned before. So we sit and complain about everything that has been done wrong in the church situations in our lives, and forget that we are a part of change happening.

What I saw this morning was beautiful. It was a group of ladies who were willing to love and support a hurting friend and sister. But it was also a woman of great strength who was willing to be vulnerable and trust us with her heart.

I long for what a verse of one of my favorite hymns says: "Nearer, still nearer, while life shall last. Till safe in glory my anchor is cast. Through endless ages, ever to be nearer my Savior, still nearer to Thee." I cannot wait to be with Jesus, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has been with me every step of the way. To know His embrace. To know His gentle voice. But, I am foolish if I do not know Him as much as I can while I live. This will require trust...am I, or are you, willing to take that risk?